From Will

Hi Everyone,

I’m AJ’s older brother, Will. As I’m sure you read last week, I’ve been home on my spring break. The time off has allowed me to reflect, making this the perfect opportunity to write a post here. 

Being picked up from the bus by my younger brother was a pretty surreal experience. My life already changed drastically when I left for college 7 months ago. This rite of passage put into perspective just how long ago dad died. And also how my brother and I are doing some big and grownup things now even though dad is no longer here. 

I’ve lived over half my life without him, and the memories of the precious but short time I spent with him have begun to fade. Being the oldest of my siblings meant that I remember the most about dad. But it also meant I had to put on the bravest face as I began to grasp earlier than Maggie and AJ the finality of our loss.

Since dad died, I’ve been reluctant to talk about him to others and have often butted out of conversations that involved even just mentions of other people’s fathers. 

But I do treasure all the memories, especially the ones that have become sort of myth in the family. 

The one I remember the most fondly was when dad took me to Wave Hill in Riverdale while mom stayed home with baby AJ. Being the intrepid explorer that I was as a toddler, I apparently managed to wander off and fall into the lily pond in a split second. 

Cue dad panicking as he pulled me out and proceeded to dry me off. We must have spent hours at the park making sure I was totally dry and trying to hide the evidence of what happened. 

I guess dad’s efforts were successful as mom would only learn about this incident several years later when dad sheepishly confessed. (If you’ve been reading AJ’s blog, you’ll notice the pattern of mom sometimes finding things out MUCH later. Dad liked to spare her unnecessary stress.)

While I can still recall things like the pond dive, dad letting me ride shotgun years before mom did, and us watching Star Wars together, I can’t remember simple things like his voice and mannerisms. The kind of things that you subconsciously think of when you’re around a person. At this point, even the phrase “my dad” seems foreign to me. 

A few years ago, my grandparents played some home videos of dad while I was visiting them on the Cape. Hearing him talk and laugh and even just seeing him really brought home to me just how unfamiliar my own father felt. Even though people say I look exactly like him, especially now. 

This is why I’m relishing the chance to walk the Camino with AJ, Maggie, and mom. Through this long trek I hope to strengthen my bond with dad and the rest of my family. Even though I have lost many memories of dad, I hope to make new ones with my family — and literally put these memories into my body as we walk all these miles in dad’s honor.

I am impressed with my brother’s efforts to raise funds for the SFA — over $10K now and going strong — and write new installments in this blog every week. I’m also grateful he gave me an opportunity to share my experience.

Thank you all for your support! It truly means everything to AJ and the rest of us.